Going home

Going home tomorrow - looking forward to seeing everyone. I'll be putting stuff on here as it comes back to me.

Bye Bye India.

:-(

I'm a Looser

seriously - if my head wasn't attached i'd have lost it by now.

So some good news and bad news.

Good news : My head is throughly attached, and therefore still in my possesion.

Bad News : Phones are like negatively charged ions when they come near me... I've lost my UK phone now so I'm entirely uncontactable. Almost - if you are desperate to speak to me (i know that you all must have a burning desire to speak to me by now) you can contact me at work on 01603 666910 or at my hotel (the GRT Radisson Chennai) on +91-22-24042211 (Room 244).

I can't call out from my hotel room as the last time I did that it cost me in the region of 125 quid... which i'm going to find difficult to slide by the expenses people. Although it'll make the lobster seem relatively inconsiderable in comparison.

I may be getting a new local phone. So hopefully I'll be contactable again for like 4 or 5 days? If I'm lucky. Before the mighty force of incompetance launches the device from my person and presence into the mobile telephonic communication device void that Chennai is becoming.

Yes I have warned orange and had it all disabled. No they wont ship me a new one out. Yes I DO have to get a 'Police' reference.

Although after some arguing the 'Police' reference became a 'Lost Item' reference that I can get from anywhere... which, I suppose, includes the pits of my mind.

Any way - I've been writing this all day and this is all i've managed.

Try to update again this week at some point.

New phone

As lovely as it was to hear from those of you who texted last night, i would like to point out that I am 4 and a half hours ahead and your probably looking at 20-30 minutes delay in a text getting to me. so those of you that sent me messages at 9:30 your time, thanks for the wake up call ;-)

Only joking - it was lovely to hear from ya but anything after 9:30 on a school night is probably a mistake.

However on a non-school night feel free, drunken texts ahoy...

Some of the guys left today, so I was feeling a little jealous of them heading home to blighty, then just to compound it J mentions that he's heading the the playhouse for a sunny lunchtime pint :-(

Boo - I want sunny (not roasting) lunchtime (not half past seven in the evening) pint (oh o.k. I can get that out here).

Its the sunny lunchtime bit I miss.

Ahh well - I get 4 days off. We've dropped the ball on Goa but we're gonna go and hire an 8 man Villa on a beach for 20quid for the weekend... ;-)

Tonight is food out for one of the others departments guys who is leaving.

New phone

I have a new phone. I have gone 'local'.

New number is +91 9884 980889.

Yay - only costs me pennies a minute to phone (9 to be exact) - better than 175 of them...
texts are even less... If I don't get in contact now be offended... very offended.

Only joking - it'll be because of my silly workload, time difference and having to drink beer.

got a rubbish phone too cos I couldn't unlock mine from where I am.From the smallest phone shop in the world (i could ahve touched all four walls if there had been room for me to stand in the middle).

Great. Rubbish games on it though... :-(

Pictures

There is a riot today - I am safely locked in a house so will survive. All I've got to occupy me though is Jenga, t'internet and beer... What a shame!

However this place does have a proper computer with the internet and USB access and everything so I can finall upload some of my pics. Yay! However my camera is back at the hotel. Boo.

Here are some pics. All slightly odd and not many of them - I will try to get more up later.

Some of the dudes I work with. from the left we have: Blurry dude, John Bennie, Ashiq, Senthil, Wasim, Apache, Cecil


Poor Ashiq got extremely drunk this night and had to be taken home by some of the guys. He apparently couldn't find his own house. I'm sure we all have been there.

He's not been out since.

This is the Smoking floor at the office. Made of marble and open to the elements. It is extrodinarily nice. Especially seeing as I'm not even going to be allowed to smoke by the tmi I get back to the UK.


Sorry - I've just looked again. This is a rubbish photo of an ashtray isn't it... I am sure that I have taken more photo's than this of stuff - trouble is that I can't find them - my marvelous phone (which has broken in th heat) seems to have lost them...

This is a 'hot dog'.


It is made out of chicken which is why it is white. Very strange. It would also appear that they only grow tiny buns over here.

This was my driver at the airport. He had a placard with my surname on. They even managed to spell it right. None of the usual Whitehead or Wipeside here!

I was particularly happy that I had by far the smartest looking driver in the entire airport to pick me up. I felt bad for looking like such a scruffy bastard.



Apparently someone has found that they'll sell you their hat for a fiver. I might get one.

Sorry for the utterly weak set of photo's - I am going to try to get some of the shonky video's I've got on my phone up in a sec. However I'll have to try to get a converter and then upload to YouTube or summat - I'm not entirely sure that I can be bothered.

There are better pics than this I promise! I'm just not going to show them to you lot... :-(

As I said there is a riot today (its called a strike but one of the drivers apparently said "They eat breakfast first, then they fight"). Apparently they are protesting either at the fact that there are so many foreigners here, or they are striking because the supreme court has removed the reservation of university for (get this) OBC's - Other Backwards Classes. This is an official term used by everyone. Basically it means lower castes and other communities/tribes who have historically not done to well on the edumacation front. Part of the furore is that there are loads of communities who are trying to be classified as OBC cos of all the benefits that they get. Dole scam indian stylee...

I have found some more pictures - they have been hijacked from this computer where everyone else has left thier picture uploads. I am sure that this is the most horrible duplication and data wastefulness to upload them myself (they are probably on a thousand blogs and picture sites already - I just don't know where) but needs must.

They have been taxed from Laura who is running the show over here (well - running the bit that I work in so thats all I care about).

I'm waiting for the pics to upload now - apparently 2Mbit is a fantastic connection. I suspect that this is nearer 1nanobit/s :

Yay - all done! Only took 45 minutes...

Ok - so here is :
Lakshmi and a stone elephant. The elephant isn't as big as it looks. Lakshmi is tiny (and also after an English husband ;-))


I would like to point out that I am not currently the object of her 'Moving to England' scam. However, she has history of trying all available opportunities... we shall see...

MONKEYS!!!



Soldier hitting child with stick.


Soldier pointing gun at child.


We've seen a bit of this over here - unfortunatly we missed 'Security guard dragging begger child away by ear' which would have completed the set.

Lobster! (this is round two).


Freaky dudes at the theme park that I mentioned in the last post.


If you look really carefully you'll notice that I have hidden myself away in there somewhere!! 100 rupees to the first person to guess where I am.

Kick it!


Some of the Chennai Service Desk girlies singing.

From the left : Srilatha, Patricia, Jagatheeswari (yep!),Sofia, Anu, Usha (from the archers).

Laura getting done in a traditional cake attack.


This is Lawrence, one of the drivers over here. And a cow.


He is ace. A right laugh - we can only understand one word in 3 at the best of times but we all get on. He gives everyone nicknames. Mine has evolved into Crazy Bin Laden (I have a beard so I obviously look like the terrorist leader).

Blimey - I'm glad no-one uses dial up anymore or you'd be here for hours waiting for that lot to download.... You can view my Flickr Photostream (which only has a few others) here.

Now I'm gonna go and sit on the roof and read a book - I am now stranded in someone elses house til 7pm when the riots officially stop and our drivers will come and pick me up.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight to a club, I am entirely unprepared - having slept on a sofa, not wearing 'Club Gear' and feeling generally unwashed and a bit crap.

Tomorrow (you'll love this) I am in a fashion show. In front of 1000 odd people. I wish I could be more sober when these things are suggested and not agreed to do them.

I am hoping that there will be a mysterious mass camera failure but I doubt it - in which case I will get some pics on here for you.

Christ - I've been doing this update for 2 hours now. Time for me to go and laze about in the sun.

Oh yeah - I'm not coming back til the 1st June now. This is definitely the final date.

Love ya.
P

I'm staying!

Thats right - I'm never coming home!

Thats not actually true - I am coming home - just later than usual. May the 8th in fact (thats the date I fly out anyway - back in the UK for the 10th I believe).

Ummm - so I'm trying to think of what I need to update you about. I havn't been able to post for so long that I've forgotten what I've been up to. Think I'll try and work backwards (although I suspect that you've all long stopped checking here anyway).

Right - so I did promise a part two to the last 'Lobster Genocide' post but I got waylaid by having to work. Which is what the problem was. Basically when I was asked to come out I was told that 'all the training would be complete and we would be just doing the finalising and support for the new guys starting' this translated to 'Their training is pretty much done but we're gonna ask you to pick up where it was left with no prior warning or preparation time', this then became (after a fortnight) 'you are doing the final assesment for these guys as we haven't bothered to fly the guys who are paid loads more than you to do these kinds of things'.

Final assesment is basically the final exam - we put the guys on the phone (for the first time I might add) and then score them against various behaviours and their technical skillz. Although I don't mind doing this per se I'm not entirely happy with the way I was informed and had no idea I was going to be doing this kind of thing. Although I'm not entirely surprised - this is NU down to the ground.

On a more cheerful note I went to a theme park on sunday - the mighty 'Dizzee World'. It was ace - and deserted - turns out that they close most of the rides between 3 & 5 (when its super hot). I'll give you one guess when we turned up... however the highlight of the day was most definitely these animatronic robot things. Apparently originally there was a giant keyboard that the kids could jump on and the robots would dance - now however the keyboard is gone and the remaining 'weird japanese ancient' (assume it was bought 2nd hand from a japanese theme park) robots are left in these weird and grotesque positions - all very weird.

Water flume was ace and very dangerous/scary. Woo. After that we went to a georgeous hotel/restaraunt called fishermans cove - one of the better places in the whole of India I am told. Played with crabs on the beach then eat a delicious steak. Went home.

On saturday went to 'spencers plaza' a shopping mall of sorts - all kinds of stuff in there. Found some suitable 'present giving' tat.

Having trouble with present giving tat at the moment. Hands up - who would actually want an elephant carving with a baby elephant inside? Or a set of stone karma sutra poses (ok - I wish I'd got those). Or a stone ball with some poorly carved depictions of gods on the side? I don't really want to buy this crap but I'm struggline to find any thing else worth getting. I hope you all like towels and choccies from the hotel cos at this rate thats all you'll be getting.

Just trying to think of what else to say...

Oh yeah - after I had done this final assesment for the guys over here they hada 'graduation day' to go through through. The top IT dude (CIO) from NU IT came over (flew from London and stayed in Chennai for about 4 hours - carbon footprint anyone?) and handed out some certificates then the guys who had graduated put on some entertainment. We had a couple of random things in there including a guy doing impressions of locals and other people who 90% of the room had never heard of, often in hindi (everyone here speaks Tamil) and a 'comedy' skit that seemed to involve an FBI agent killing a tiger and a local copper convincing a bear he was a tiger. The punchline was, quite frankly, shit but the actual performance was hilarious so it kind of worked. Then there was some dancing, first off these 3 blokes who were good but a bit odd then a mixed group of the Service Desk guys who were amazing. There was a fashion show (with an unexpected trance backing) and then cake.

This is interesting. It is tradition here that anyone who is given a cake gets it smeared over their faces. I stood at the back having been pre-warned, that was a clever Patch moment, avoiding the worst of the carnage.

Another interesting tradion I saw later was for someone's birthday. After the traditional cake smearing attach the dude was given the bumps. They picked him up in the tradional British manner and then proceeded to kick him in the arse 30 times (his 30th birthday). Plus a few more for good measure/they lost cound in the excitement.

I am currently spreading a rumor that one of the English guys here is turning 145 next week. It seems to be taking.

what else...

Not eaten lobster for like a week or more now.

Still can't get pictures on to t'internet. Disappointing.

Oh yeah - might be going to Goa for the long Easter weekend thing - gonna see how much it costs today. That would be cool.

Think thats everything I need to say to you at the moment.

Love ya - Patch.

Swish

This post could be entitled 'Lobster Genocide' or perhaps 'I love it when a plan comes together'

Part 1 : Lobster Genocide.

Weekend was ace. Got very drunk on friday night. Dingy back room bar of dubious legality. Much fun was had by all, got to know some of the locals who work here and a few of the other guys who have flown over from the UK. Learnt a bit of 'Indian' dancing which was mad - the homorous bit is that all the other indians when questioned admitted the guy doing the teaching was possibly the worst dancer that they have ever seen and that no-one they know would be seen dead dancing like that. Stitched up again.

Considering we only got there after 11 we thought it was a bit rude for them to call last orders at 12. Our revenge for this was, in fact, the last order itself which then took several hours to drink.

Saturday was good - saw some temples and stuff (specifically Ashore Temple, Five Rathas and the Butterball - the crazy big boulder thing).

Someone elses photo's of these can be found here. (Ignore photo's 4 and 5 cos I didn't meet the family and I have no idea who the last two are)

Good day out. For the evening we had arranged that we would have some food then go out 'clubbing' (proper shirt an shoes affair) - however our meal finished us off after the day so we and a single drink in the bar and nearly passed out. Food was good though - the Hotel has a 'Kebab Factory' eatery. Odd place - you get a series of kebab style dishes (no - not a pitta with some unidentifiable meat and loads of shitty sauce sprayed over it and you don't get threatened by the chavs standing in the corner), delivered to your plate which you eat (strangely). All very nice but I managed to order the worst cocktail ever (salt round the rim? What the hell is that all about). Food was generally delicious though.

Sunday we went to Chennai's market which was ace but very busy and provided the, so far, most traumatic 'encounters with the ill, needy, disabled and desperate'. Eye opener indeed.
The market itself was... well... a bit shit. If I wanted ripped off DVD's, crappy shorts, shit watches (actually I did need one of these so I bought one - 55p), and tat then I was in heaven. And gold stuff... lots of gold stuff.

Also tried to buy silk but it all got very confusing and I left empty handed (Sorry Z). I'll try again next weekend - there is apparently a whole town that specialises in silks so I'm gonna get a trip over there booked and hopefully I'll get something.

After that we went for food - ended up at a Japanese/Korean place (well - when in Rome...). Very nice and (it wasn't me this time) we ended up with lobster again. 5 of them (hence the genocide - they were all swimming about in a tank as we went in). Lots of other food - very nice.

Couple of beers in the at the Aviva house later then home to bed.

Wonderful - gotta cut this short as I need to do some work now (more on that in part two).

Missing you all. P

Hey ho

Right - thanks for all the love! Appreciated - especially the suggestion that i've joined the insurgency.

So i have a problem in that I can't get any pictures on here yet (might be able to at the weekend but don't hold your breath).

So the journey here wasn't too bad - Heathrow is extremely swish but seriously lacks any kind of arcade-machine style diversions so expensive food, beer and a book was all I had to pass the time. Wasn't as agood as it might sound. Flight was long winded and my drink beer to fall asleep trick failed me horribly leaving me in a tiny seat, watching rubbish films (deja vu anyone?), having an old lady touching my leg in her sleep for several hours and a splitting headache/hangover. Pooey. Didn't manage to get any sleep (due to minature seats and extremely nonminature dude in the chair in front of me, and the touchy lady) so arrived in Mumbai airport feeling a little tired but doing o.k. eventually got through immigration and then to the domestic flight checkin.

Seemed to be going o.k. til i found myself stood outside on the runway with no idea what/where I was supposed to be doing/going (delete as applicable). So I got on a bus - this turned out to be the right decision - except that there was nowhere to smoke and I still had another 3 hours to wait for my next flight.

Mumbai airport is made almost exclusively of marble by the way - makes heathrow look like a bit of a hole.

Flight to Chennai was fine and I was met off the plane by an extremely smartly dressed dude holding a 'Whiteside' placard. I felt very privilaged to have the most expensive looking drive at the whole airport.

Hotel is plush (lots of marble here too), serves good food but all the staff are a little too subserviant for my tastes, god forbid you give someone a tip. I felt bad about it afterwards...

Food is tasty - had a barbecue lobster the other night, extremely tasty - only realised my mistake after I signed the bill off - turns out it wasn't 400Rs (about £3.50) it was 400Rs per gram. Wondered why they made a big show of weighing it and asking if that was o.k. This thing weighed just over a kilo so that was £50 (or 5000Rs) on the company. I susperct that Mr Big Boss will want to have a word when he gets that expenses bill. Erk.

Office is also extremely plush, lots of marble here too. And it has the best smoking room EVER. Top floor up some stairs to the roof and you come out on a marble, open air courtyard with drinks machines an a couple of chef's cooking snacks. Beats the pit I smoke in at the office in the UK. Hours are silly-long Start at 13:00 and finish at 22:30 everyday. This also means that I get back to the hotel AFTER the bar has shut. humpf...

People are nice - I've not started "shitting my arse off" yet as J so nicely put it. But then I haven't managed to be very adventurous yet (although as the beef/pork vs religion thing here is pretty full on the chicken sausage I had the other day was weird).

Other than that I'm well - had a mossie attack the other day so niow my hands are covered in bites. The broken bit of me is getting better although its growing still (the extra bit of bone where its fixing itself) - strange.

Pictures will follow (just gotta find a way of bypassing the security on the USB drives - but they're beyond me at the moment).

Yes there are chocolates on the pillow along with strange smelly things, funny biccies in a jar and real milk in the fridge (at last!).

The driving here is hilarious - everyone else is scared. Lots of scooters, motorbikes, brightly decorated vans and millions of these. Also everyone is very fond of their horns. Gives you a headache when walking...

I'm alive!

I got here then! Not bad going in all - nothing went wrong and I only thought I got lost once (turns out I wasn't - just poor signposting in Mumbai airport).

Hotel is v. nice. Lots of marble and stuff.

Gotta keep this short for the moment cos I've only just arrived at work but I'll try and give a more story soon!

Funny innit

Right - so now i've managed to spend the best part of a day looking at funny stuff here XKCD. Basically its a geek comic strip... very funny - although I have to admit that I don't understand some of 'em.

www.xkcd.com/c218.html
www.xkcd.com/c123.html
www.xkcd.com/c116.html
www.xkcd.com/c114.html
www.xkcd.com/c113.html
www.xkcd.com/c108.html
www.xkcd.com/c75.html
www.xkcd.com/c45.html
www.xkcd.com/c36.html

I am a 'Genuine Ultimate Super Gamer'

Try this :
http://www.bitpit.be/

Its a test of how much of a gamer you are - I came in with a disappointing 82%. This may seem good but when you think how much of my life i've spent playing computer games i'd have thought i should be getting about 700% on this test (considering i got quite a few i only recognized from reviews and seeing the game's covers in shops - having never played them).

I'm not entirely sure if I should be proud of my 'achievements' or not... you know how it is.

helloo!

Well it turns out that i've had this blog space for ages - i'd forgot but its handy to have now. There you go - I shall be 'blogging' my india trip here, like some kind of 'twat'. Brilliant. Along with other random rubbish - hence the name really...